Who Are You Hiding?

Now, that’s a different sort of question isn’t it?  I mean, at first glance, you might think I’m talking about a fugitive, or that you’re involved in a hide-and-seek conspiracy with your children.  But that actually is not what I’m referring to at all.  Instead, I’m talking about you, yourself and you.

You see, I recently had the opportunity to connect with a colleague of mine as she is to be a guest on my radio show this week.  So, we got together to discuss the topic and content.  The show is going to be all about “the masks we wear”, which is always a fun thing to look at.  And as I’ve sat with this, my sense is that there’s merit in planting seeds around this topic right now.  Then, when you listen to the radio show, you’ll have already had some time to think about the issue at hand.  And, if you don’t get to listen in, you’ll still be privy to some of the broader concepts at least, and have gotten the mental conversation going.

One of the things I know for sure is that you are so much more than what you choose to portray to the world.   How do I know this?  Because I know that I too am so much more than what people experience and perceive.  There’s only so much I allow others to see.  And this way of operating in the world is a function of what we’re taught is acceptable in social situations.  Not convinced?  Think about the following questions:

• Do you allow yourself to get “emotional” at work?
• Do you have a tattoo?  Is it obviously visible or somewhat hidden?
• How many people in your life – out of all the people you know – have seen you get really, truly, rip-roaring mad?
• Who in your professional circle has experienced you having a belly laugh?  Like a laughing-so-hard-you-spew-whatever’s-in-your-mouth-through-your-nose kind of laugh?
• How many times have you kept quiet during an uncomfortable conversation?  What stopped you from talking?

There are a myriad of other questions that could be asked here; the essence of what I’m asking you to consider is the fact that there are aspects of you that you simply do not allow others to see.  There are aspects of you that you actually don’t allow yourself to know.  And the cost of this, is that there is a way that you deny yourself the opportunity to experience – or at least to be aware of – all that you’re capable of.  Why is that?

Well, as aforesaid, to a certain degree this is attributable to what we’re taught.  Big boys don’t cry; anger hurts; laughing too loud is silly; professionals are reserved.  You get the point.  And while these might be accepted as social conventions, they are in fact just that and nothing more.  These conventions are not necessarily (if at all) inherently valid.  This ultimately means that, to some degree anyway, you’re not being as authentic as you could be.

So, here’s a question to consider:  what’s missing in your life right now?  Having answered this, here’s another question:  what would become possible for you – how might this missing experience show up – if you were to start stretching into being all that you are, rather than just some of you?  What if you could show the world your angry side?  What if you could cry when you felt the need, and not just behind closed doors?  What if you could speak when you felt called to speak?

I happen to know first-hand that there is a way that the world and all its myriad of possibilities becomes illuminated in direct proportion to the courage you show in being fully and completely authentic.  Yes, there are social conventions to consider.  And at the same time, there’s a way to be with social convention that still allows you to be all that you are.  At the very least, you can speak to all of who you are.  So when an irritating colleague speaks rudely in the next staff meeting, and you feel yourself getting angry, say that – “I am getting angry.”  Don’t work to hide it; own it.  Same for when you’re at work and receive the news that a loved one has died; don’t try to bottle up your sadness, allow it to be there.  In other words, allow the world at large to experience you even in your vulnerability.   There’s truth there, and it creates space for more truth.  Which is a good thing.

Bottom-line:  hiding aspects of who you are, whether from others or yourself, equates to living a lie.  Lies always stifle opportunity, or at the very least, deny the establishment of a solid foundation upon which to build opportunity.  Relationships, projects, everyday tasks all require you to be as authentic as you can.  Knowing who you are and how you want to be experienced is great; go ahead and work to create that image in the world.  And at the same time, always know that you are so much more than that image.  So go on out there and be ALL of you.

Are You Getting Enough?

I know; you have no idea what I’m referring to in this article’s title, do you?  I’m not really trying to be coy, I just couldn’t think of any other way to speak to a learning which I had this week.  As so often happens for me, the actual information wasn’t new.  But the concrete experience was like none I had ever had before.  Let me explain.  Obviously, I’ve had an epiphany of sorts over the last week.  Something that allowed me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what was missing before, and what I’m slowly but surely getting enough of now.  And, I know that if you allow yourself the opportunity to get enough of this thing, you’re life will be easier all around.  Want to know what it is?  It’s unscheduled time.

Think about it.  Take a look at a typical week in your life.  How much of it is “unscheduled time?”  My guess is that there’s not very much “open space” in your calendar, daytimer, blackberry – whatever it is you use to keep yourself organized and your time accounted for.  Between personal appointments, children’s activities, work meetings, projects and tasks you’re probably scheduled to the max.  And that’s not including time to eat, bathe, sleep and tend to other basic essentials.  Let’s face it; you’re a pretty scheduled person.  I know what that’s like; my schedule can look the same way most weeks.

Last week, however, I had the opportunity to take back some time.  This was possible in part because of a couple of appointment cancellations.  Ordinarily what I would have done in that circumstance is fill the suddenly opened time with other tasks; goodness knows there’s always something to do.  But last week, I chose to let the time and space be open.  I could feel a cold coming on and, given the time that was suddenly available to me, I chose to just be.  No writing, no talking, no reading, no nothing – just being.  Letting my mind wander, I was amazed to experience a degree of grounding like I hadn’t felt in a long time.  And I confirmed for myself something I’ve known intrinsically for a while:  as human beings, it really does serve us to just “be”.

I know, this can be hard to do.  But that’s the point.  You don’t have to “do” anything – just “be”.  For a while.  It doesn’t have to be for long, it just has to be for a time.  A small amount of time can revitalize you in a big way.  Giving yourself time to go for a mental walk of sorts – which is what I’m really talking about when I say “just be” – fills your life with clarity like nothing else can.

For me, this is taking the 80/20 rule of time management one step further.  If you’re not familiar with it, the 80/20 rule advises that you schedule 80% of your time, allowing 20% to be unscheduled so that when things take longer than anticipated (which they inevitably will) or when crises arise (which does happen from time to time) you won’t fall behind or become overwhelmed.  My suggestion to you is, in addition to allowing for buffer time in this way, you also allow for “being time” – wide open space in which nothing is scheduled and nothing gets scheduled, which allows for you to just be.

Bottom-line, just like you need sufficient doses of various vitamins to function properly, you also need sufficient amounts of unscheduled time.  This is time for you to just be free – not in front of the tv or cuddled up with a book, but rather time to be free of any and all tasks and agendas, allowing your mind to wander and your brain to slow down a bit.  As a chronic thinker, I know this can be challenging.  And at the same time, what I know for sure is that there’s a reason you’re called a human BEING as opposed to a human  DOING – time to BE is far more important to your life than time to DO.  So create some time to BE and watch your life improve.

Are You Taking Care of Your Relationships?

I have had the opportunity in recent weeks to notice the busy-ness of the world in which we live.  Part of this is a simple reflection of where I am at myself right now.  My business is growing and building (which is a great thing).  My children are growing and expanding their social worlds (which naturally contributes to the busy-ness of my life as a parent).  And I’m slowly expanding the range of activities that I’m involved in, beyond simple income-generation, exploring and dipping my toes in various pools of volunteer work as a means of “giving back.”

As I’ve enjoyed this experience of growth, one of the things I’ve been very conscious and deliberate about, particularly over the last six months, is how I establish, build and maintain relationships.  Everyone has relationships in their life.  You may have a lot, you may have a few and either way, it’s not the number of relationships that you have which is important, it’s how you nurture them that matters.

One thing I know for sure is that my ability to build my business is directly dependent on my ability to build and maintain strong relationships, relationships in which people know, like and trust me.  In order for this to happen, I have got to make time for ALL of these relationships in some way, shape or form.  I’ve had opportunity to watch some of my colleagues recently.  I see how they continually cancel some of their appointments — those with other colleagues, friends, family or even themselves –  in order to serve their clients.  And on the one hand, I totally understand.  After all, these client relationships are what bring in the income, allowing you to stay in business.  I get it.  And yet, at some point, you will need something from those other relationships in your life.  Now, you could rely on the goodwill of these folks to meet your needs.  My guess, however, is that goodwill only goes so far.

If you continually put the needs of one relationship demographic ahead of others, things will go awry.  You have got to find a way to nurture all of your relationships, in a balanced way.  I know, your family and friends are forgiving, they understand that you’re busy.  So do your colleagues; after all, they’re likely in the same boat!  And at the same time, these folks need you to make an appearance at some point.  Not just a cursory facebook update, or a token “here I am for dinner today but I’m going to jump whenever my blackberry dings”, but a real, genuine, “I am fully present and engaged in our relationship” appearance.  It doesn’t have to happen often; and it does have to happen.

Now, you’ve got to play with this a bit.  Some relationships really do only need a good “catch-up” once a year or so.  I know; I’ve got these relationships in my life.  These are the relationships that have something really powerful at their core, the relationships that can withstand the distance of time and space and, are not contingent on daily interaction.  Other relationships need more frequent, REAL interactions – by phone, by mail, in-person – in order to maintain their power.   How much interaction is needed is not a reflection of how good or bad the relationship is; it’s simply a reflection of the difference in how the relationship is built.  Your job is to know the difference and nurture accordingly.

Bottom-line:  relationships matter.  No matter how busy you are, or how successful you are, your willingness to nurture the relationships in your life and not take them for granted says a lot about who you are and what you value.  If you value your success, you will take care of your relationships – all of your relationships.  You’ll make time for your colleagues, your clients, your family, your friends and yourself.  And if you don’t take care of your relationships, you can say goodbye to your success.  So, how will you nurture your relationships this week?