Apologies That Count
“I’m sorry if I did something wrong.” Have you ever given or received an apology like this one? If so, I’ve just got to say, knock it off already! When somebody in your life — a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a child, a parent, or whomever says that you’ve hurt them, to apologize “if you did something wrong” isn’t an apology at all. It’s a cop-out. An attempt to smooth things over without taking any responsibility for what you’ve said or done. And accepting such an apology is just as much of an afront as giving one. It allows the person responsible to wiggle their way off the hook, so to speak.
Admittedly, sometimes as the supposed injurer you might not know exactly what you did. In that case, it is your responsibility to find out. A phrase like, “I’m sorry that you’re upset; what is it that I said or did?” acknowledges that you understand you had a role in the person’s current experience. Once an answer is provided you now have the opportunity to take ownership, explain and apologize in a meaningful, accountability-filled way.
Now, let me be clear about something: when it comes to apologies, at no point do you need to apologize for something you didn’t do. For example, you might discover through your inquiries that a situation is being twisted and you are being held responsible for something you didn’t in fact do. This is not a time to apologize. This is a time to set the record straight. Apologizing in this instance will only muddy the waters. In some ways, apologizing for something you didn’t do is a form of lying — and it doesn’t help. Instead, you have the opportunity — and must avail yourself of it — to set the record straight, to offer some explanation, to make sure that everyone moves forward with a clear and accurate picture. The trick is to do this in a grounded, calm manner, without allowing the conflict to escalate.
A final point. If you are the person on the receiving end of the apology, open yourself up. Stop playing the maligned victim and allow the apology to be accepted gracefully. Acting the part of the wronged martyr won’t help the situation; if anything it will simply prolong a difficult scenario unnecessarily. So, thank the person giving the apology. And move on with caution. What do I mean by this? Well, as the old adage goes “hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.” In other words, both the injured party and the injurer have a responsibility to learn from the mistakes of this situation, whatever they might be, and not repeat them. If you find yourself embroiled in essentially the same hurtful situation repeatedly, ask yourself, how are you allowing this? I’m not suggesting that the injurer is guilt-free here; instead, what I want you to understand is that a relationship is essentially an agreement between two or more people and the agreement includes an understanding — often unspoken — of how to treat each other. If you are constantly being hurt, or you are constantly hurting, your agreement needs to be revisited.
The bottom-line is this: no matter who you are, you deserve to be treated respectfully. Apologies are inherent in a meaningful relationship. And the apologies need to be given with sincerity, and received with grace. Next time you find yourself needing to apologize, know what you’re apologizing for, then take responsibility and move on.