Apologies That Count

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”  Have you ever given or received an apology like this one?  If so, I’ve just got to say, knock it off already!  When somebody in your life — a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a child, a parent, or whomever says that you’ve hurt them, to apologize “if you did something wrong” isn’t an apology at all.  It’s a cop-out.  An attempt to smooth things over without taking any responsibility for what you’ve said or done. And accepting such an apology is just as much of an afront as giving one.  It allows the person responsible to wiggle their way off the hook, so to speak.

Admittedly, sometimes as the supposed injurer you might not know exactly what you did.  In that case, it is your responsibility to find out.   A phrase like, “I’m sorry that you’re upset; what is it that I said or did?” acknowledges that you understand you had a role in the person’s current experience.  Once an answer is provided you now have the opportunity to take ownership, explain and apologize in a meaningful, accountability-filled way.

Now, let me be clear about something:  when it comes to apologies, at no point do you need to apologize for something you didn’t do.  For example, you might discover through your inquiries that a situation is being twisted and you are being held responsible for something you didn’t in fact do.  This is not a time to apologize.  This is a time to set the record straight.  Apologizing in this instance will only muddy the waters.  In some ways, apologizing for something you didn’t do is a form of lying — and it doesn’t help.  Instead, you have the opportunity — and must avail yourself of it — to set the record straight, to offer some explanation, to make sure that everyone moves forward with a clear and accurate picture.  The trick is to do this in a grounded, calm manner, without allowing the conflict to escalate.

A final point.  If you are the person on the receiving end of the apology, open yourself up.  Stop playing the maligned victim and allow the apology to be accepted gracefully.  Acting the part of the wronged martyr won’t help the situation; if anything it will simply prolong a difficult scenario unnecessarily.  So, thank the person giving the apology.  And move on with caution.  What do I mean by this?  Well, as the old adage goes “hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.”  In other words, both the injured party and the injurer have a responsibility to learn from the mistakes of this situation, whatever they might be, and not repeat them.  If you find yourself embroiled in essentially the same hurtful situation repeatedly, ask yourself, how are you allowing this?  I’m not suggesting that the injurer is guilt-free here; instead, what I want you to understand is that a relationship is essentially an agreement between two or more people and the agreement includes an understanding — often unspoken — of how to treat each other.  If you are constantly being hurt, or you are constantly hurting, your agreement needs to be revisited.

The bottom-line is this:  no matter who you are, you deserve to be treated respectfully.  Apologies are inherent in a meaningful relationship. And the apologies need to be given with sincerity, and received with grace.  Next time you find yourself needing to apologize, know what you’re apologizing for, then take responsibility and move on.

Sifting Through the Rhetoric

Yes, an election’s in the air.  As of this writing, the advanced polls have already taken place in preparation for this country’s upcoming federal election — what is this, election #4 in 6 years?  It’s one of the gifts of democracy and freedom — the opportunity to speak your mind, have your voice heard, cast your vote for the person who you feel is best suited to lead our country.  So many people around the world long for this privilege and yet, statistically, so few of us who have it avail ourselves of the opportunity.  Why is that?

Well, in my personal experience, part of the challenge is the tedium of rhetoric.  There’s a way that, when an election looms, those at the helm of respective parties engage in little more than mud-slinging and name calling.  Even the youngest of our society know that very little is to  be gained by this.  My 11 year old son, who is studying the art of persuasive letter-writing and politics at the same time, often cringes at the antics he sees our leaders engaging in, as portrayed in the newspapers, radio and television.  Even he knows that these are tactics, and that while these tactics might get you into office, they won’t keep you there if you can’t produce what you say you’re going to deliver.  Throughout history, politicians have developed a reputation for “saying what people want to hear” (or what they think people want to hear) and then not delivering.  Which leaves the population at large feeling disappointed, let down, cynical.  Which leads to people not exercising their right to vote, even when they know it’s a privilege.

So, what to do?  Well, in my opinion, this is an opportunity to forget the rhetoric, disengage from the mind games, and ask yourself this:  all else being equal, who do you truly believe has what it takes to lead our country effectively?  Who embodies the qualities of effective leadership as you see it?  Who do you believe would accurately represent you?  The person who fits the answer to these questions is the person to vote for.  If he or she happens to be from one of the “less popular” parties — i.e., not Liberal or Conservative — so be it.  Too often, I hear people talk about “wasted votes”, as in, “If I vote for who I really want, it’ll be a wasted vote because s/he’ll never actually get in, so I should just vote for one of the two major parties, even though I don’t like either of them.”  Well, from my perspective, this is skewed thinking.  In Canada, we do not live in a two-party system.  There are in fact 5 parties that I’m aware of (Liberal, Conservative, NDP, Green, and Bloc) and if you feel strongly about one, that is the one to vote for.  That is the way to make your true voice heard.  That is the way to ensure that our politicians have an accurate guage of what the country at large is thinking.

Is the system perfect?  No.  I could go on for quite a while on how I would like to see the system tweaked.  And I won’t.  Instead, this is my appeal to all of you of voting age to check in with yourself, know what’s important to you, find out whose platform best aligns with that, then cast your vote.  Make it count.  You have this privilege.  Don’t let it go to waste.  It’s time to sift through the rhetoric.

Have you determined how you will vote in the Canadian federal election on May 2nd, 2011?  What are the major factors that influence your decision?  If you could change one thing about our political system, what would it be?  Leave a comment here or feel free to send me an email.  I’d love to hear your thoughts!

When the Answer Eludes

As a coach, one of the fundamental premises upon which I operate is that as human beings, we all have our own answers.  In other words, no matter the question, you know the answer — sometimes you just need to dig a little to unearth it.  That is the premise.  One of the things I’m encountering this week, however, is the feeling of “not knowing” — which is disconcerting given my fundamental premise.  I mean, if I have my own answers, how come I can’t find them?  It’s a bizarre scenario to be in, let me tell you.

What I’m realizing is that sometimes, answers aren’t all that accessible.  For whatever reason, they’re buried deep.  They’re camouflaged.  They’re silent.  So what are you to do?  Particularly as a leader, the one who’s supposed to  have the answers, to be all-knowing, what do you do when the answer is elusive?  Well, here are 5 strategies to implement; at the very least, they’ll be a starting point.  And, at their most successful, they’ll open the solution floodgates:

1. Ask for help.  Enlist the support of a colleague or mentor.  Sometimes, an outsider will be able to see what you’re missing.
2. Move around.  Get your blood flowing, move your body and watch your mental processes start to move as well.  Answers can start to flow from there.
3. Change perspective.  If you’re sitting down, stand up.  Facing the wall?  Move to the window.  A fresh perspective can illuminate answers previously hidden from view.
4. Let it go — the question that is.  Stop thinking about the problem at hand, put it aside and come back to it later.  Sometimes, letting go of a question allows the answer to emerge with ease when you least expect it.
5. Make it into a game.  Gather a few cohorts, present the problem at hand and have fun discovering answers.  Switching the “problem” into a game changes the energy — and oftentimes, things are so much easier when the energy is fun.

Bottom-line:  even leaders come up against situations in which the answers are elusive.  You simply can’t know it all, all the time.  Or perhaps, more accurately, you can’t access it all, all the time.  In those moments, there are strategies to try.  And when you do, the answers will flow.

When do you find it hard to access answers?  When does the world seem a little foggy to you?  And how do you cope?  Would love to hear your thoughts.  Feel free to leave them here or email me at info@stellarcc.com.

Falling Off the Leadership Wagon

Well, I’m not really falling off the wagon I don’t think.  I am, however, noticing that some of the truths I subscribe to are challenging my thought processes of late.  Which sends me to my thinking and deliberating space.  In those moments, what I’m learning is that as a leader, I must be far more conscious about how long I’m hanging out in my thinking space.  I can get so wrapped up in thinking about things, wondering, being curious, that my deliberate energy doesn’t translate into any action.  When I don’t make the leap from thought to action, it looks as though I’m following rather than leading.  Actually, it doesn’t even look like that; it looks like I’m just bopping along without any purpose whatsoever.  I’m derailed, in a way.

Being deliberate absolutely means that I’ve given some thought to things.  The question is, how much time do I spend in that thinking-space before I take whatever corresponding action is required of me?  If I hang out in that “deliberation” space for too long, that actually keeps me off the leadership wagon, you know?  Andrew Jackson has said the following:  “Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.”  This, when it comes right down to it, may be one of the biggest leadership challenges:  knowing when to stop thinking and start doing.

When all is said and done good leaders definitely give some thought to things, they deliberate about the actions they will take.  Great leaders, however, stop deliberating sooner rather than later, knowing that the time for action requires you to channel your deliberate thoughts into deliberate action for effective leadership results.

Bottom-line:  To stay on the leadership wagon, stop thinking about things; go do them.

What deliberate action will you take today?  How deliberate are you on a daily basis?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!  Post your comments here and let’s get a dialogue going about deliberate action!  For additional resources and the opportunity to sign up for the weekly ezine, LAUNCH, visit www.stellarcc.com.