How Are You Wrong?

So, I had an interesting discussion yesterday with a client.  Without going into details – because they’re not at all relevant to what I’m about to discuss — she was feeling wronged and maligned.  She was frustrated by the behaviour of  those around her, feeling that others were making less-than perfect choices that were impacting her.  In short, her relationship with these people was strained to say the least.  Not an uncommon scenario, by any stretch of the imagination.  It happens personally and professionally all the time; others make choices that are incongruent with yours, and it’s frustrating.  It tests your mettle, for sure.

The question that comes up for me — and I’ve often asked this of clients, colleagues, and myself — is “how am I/you wrong in this scenario, as opposed to the others?”  While it’s easy to get riled at the actions of others, there’s a way that each of us contributes to the relationship and how it plays out.  So, when someone’s irking you, I’ve got to ask, what’s your role in the equation?

When you can disengage from the trigger long enough, this is a fascinating question to play with.  When you can distance yourself from the judgment of the supposed “wrong-doer” — whether a colleague, a staff member, a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger — my experience is that you can find some piece, however small, for which you can take responsibility.  Fascinating stuff.  Because when you can stop being so angry at “them” and recognize your own role in the scenario at hand, you can actually be more constructive in your interactions, finding a way to diffuse the situation with greater ease.

Bottom-line:  while you and I both know that the other person is wrong (said tongue-in-cheek), there’s something great to be gained by owning even a small piece of the issue at hand.  You’ve gotta ask yourself, “how are you wrong?”

I’d love your take on this post.  What happens for you when you contemplate your role in a problematic situation?  Can you do this without beating yourself up?  Let   me know — I’m truly curious!