More on Saying No

This week’s LAUNCH ezine article was all about saying no.  More specifically, it was about saying “no” without a whole lot of extraneous detail.  If you didn’t catch it, surf on over to www.stellarcc.com and sign up in the bottom left-hand corner to receive this weekly publication — it’s full of thought-provoking content and updates in the Stellar Coaching & Consulting world.  All that being said, I want to expand a little on the “saying no” theme.

One of the things that I find particularly challenging is when people drag out a refusal.  You know the type:  you ask a question, you can hear the energy of an implied “no”, however, the word itself is never uttered.  Instead, you’re strung along for a ride of sorts.  The length of the ride varies depending on the person and situation, but the bottom-line is that the “no” just doesn’t get uttered.  For me, the most frustrating thing is the amount of time I invest in continuing to have a dialogue with someone when, in hindsight, I realize that they never intended to say “yes” in the first place.

Here’s a tip folks:  if you know that you’re answer is no –regardless of the reason or rationale — just say so, right up front, right from the get-go.  If you need additional information, a phrase such as “I’m thinking I”m not interested, but tell me more” at least tells me where you’re leaning.  But moving along with a “that sounds great, let me think about it — I just have to do x,y or z” or some other variation of this statement is not a gentle refusal.  It’s flat-out misleading.  And very frustrating.

Bottom-line:  whatever guilt you may be harbouring over having to deny a request of mine, get over it.  Believe it or not, not only can I handle a refusal, I’d prefer an honest refusal up=front, to an insincere maybe that leaves me hopeful for no reason.  If the answer’s no, just say it.  That’s far more effective than leaving me hanging.

What Do You Expect?

Every so often the world gives you the opportunity to remember something you’ve known but allowed to move off your radar.  For me, it’s the power of expectation, which equates in many ways to intention.

Expectation is a powerful thing.  More and more research is pointing to the creative power of human thought, and expectation boils down to what you’re thinking about a situation, place or thing in a particular moment or moments.

Yesterday, I had the distinct frustration of being able to receive email, but not send any.  I knew that this was due to a problem with my outgoing server, provided by my ISP.  This has happened a few times in the past; usually it’s resolved on its own.  Only once have I had to call and deal with a tech person to resolve the issue.  Although I remember the experience being tedious, I also remember it resolving just fine, with the help of the tech support person.

Before I called my ISP support desk, I called a few other tech people in my life, just to be sure that I wasn’t missing something.  I’ll admit it; there are times when I question my own judgment.  All agreed that the ISP support desk was where I needed to look.  One person, as we were signing off said that she hoped the support staff would be kind.  Which threw me for a smidge of a loop, because it never occurred to me that they’d be anything but.  You see, I’ve always had really good experience with my ISP support.  And so, my expectation was that the situation would resolve easily and painlessly, albeit with a small time investment on my part.

Given all that was on my agenda yesterday, I decided to do what I could from my secondary server, leave an autoresponder for my clients and colleagues in case they wondered why I was taking so long to get back to them, and then deal with the situation this morning.  First thing this morning I called the ISP support desk.  After a wait of about 5 minutes (which is so much easier for me at the beginning of the day than at the end) a lovely support person by the name of Karen came on the line.  She patiently heard my concern, then walked me through a series of steps to rectify the situation.  It took no more than 5 additional minutes.  And now the situation is resolved.  She answered all my questions (not that there were many), she was pleasant the whole time, and her explanations were clear.

It was a fabulous experience, and no less than I expected.  Which, ultimately, is the point of this post.  I firmly believe that the expectations you hold set the stage for what will happen.  As a leader, being cognizant of the expectations you hold will allow you to tweak your expectations so that you actually create the outcomes that serve the big picture, whatever that is for you.  Holding small expectations, whether of your staff, your self, or your projects isn’t wise.  You’ve really got to expect the best, as cliche as that might sound.

With curiousity, I’m now going to explore what other expectations I have in my life.  And I’m going to invite you to do the same.  When going into a meeting, what outcome do you expect?  When networking, how much business do you expect to glean?  When preparing for an exam, do you expect to pass or fail?  When going out socially, do you expect to have fun?  Expectations really are powerful.  Pay attention to yours, tweak and notice what shows up.  Bottom-line:  you’ve got to ask yourself, “What do you expect?”

Want weekly doses of life and leadership wisdom?  Surf on over to www.stellarcc.com and sign up for the LAUNCH ezine in the bottom, left-hand corner.  It’s just what you need to be playing a powerful leadership game in all of your life.  And in case you’re wondering, my ISP is Bell — and I’ve been very pleased with them throughout the years

What’s Your M.O.?

Yesterday, I published my weekly newsletter, LAUNCH (Leadership that’s Authentic, Uninhibited, Naturally Confident and Happy).  This week’s feature article was titled “How Do You Do Things?”, and the central focus was on a quote that has been sitting uppermost in my mind for the past week or so.  The quote, by T. Harv Eker, is one that my own coach uses frequently, and it has me thinking about my own patterns and practices; it does like this:  “The way you do anything is the way you do everything.”  For some reason, the very thought that I might have patterns that are that pervasive is astounding, curious and slightly troublesome.

You see, T. Harv Eker is basically speaking to the idea that what you do in one area of life is likely replicated in other areas.  So, think for a moment about how you operate in your life.  Do you find yourself picking up the slack at work?  If so, how do you pick up the slack elsewhere in your life, in what other relationships?  Do you leave your house as late as possible to make an appointment, leaving just enough travel time?  If so, when and where else in your life’s circumstances do you procrastinate?  Are you someone who holds a myriad of ideas in your brain while dealing with a single task such as meal preparation?  If so, when else do you multitask?  In short, what’s your general m.o.?

Although I wrote about this topic in yesterday’s ezine, the basic premise has caught my attention, and so I want to continue my thoughts on the topic here.  My sense is that, as leaders, it can be an extremely valuable exercise to give some thought to your m.o. — your “modus operandi”, the way you operate in the world.  If “the way you do anything is the way you do everything”, then my sense is that you need to know the way you do things, so that you can be conscious enough to change what doesn’t serve your life as a whole.  Definitely something to think about it.

How do you do things?  It’s a question worth holding.

Not a subscriber to my weekly ezine, LAUNCH?  Become one by surfing on over to www.stellarcc.com and sign up in the bottom left-hand corner.  And feel free to share your thoughts on this blog post and others — I love to keep the leadership dialogue rolling!

Rules Are For You Too

For those of you who subscribe to my weekly ezine, today’s blog title may have you raising your eyebrows in confusion (and for those of you who don’t, you can sign up for this information-rich publication at www.stellarccc.com).  In this week’s ezine, which went out yesterday, I shared my thoughts around “fairness” — what exactly it means to be “fair” when it comes to the implementation of rules.  The upshot of what I said was that fairness is less about equality and sameness, and more about individualized application.  And I maintain that.

That being said, I want to address the concept of rules as it relates to leadership.  I’ve had the opportunity to observe a leadership scenario that caught me off guard.  Truthfully, it irked me.  The specific scenario is less important than the general behaviour, which was that the leader in question was deliberately ignoring some clearly laid out rules.  Everybody else in the venue was expected to adhere to the rule — namely, to keep side-chatter to a minimum during a presentation — while this individual held many conversations with little perceived regard for those performing or for those around him who were watching.  Admittedly, this leader’s role at the event was one of evaluation — and seeking input from his peers was part of the evaluation process, I’ve no doubt about it.  However, when a rule is clearly laid out that says “no conversations while in the theatre” — my understanding is that every effort must be made to respect the underlying intention o the rule, which is to keep distractions — both for performers and viewers — to a minimum.

So, in light of yesterday’s article about “fairness being that everyone gets what they need”, how do I align this scenario noted above? Should the leader be above the stated rule?  My sense is not.  Instead, as a leader, rather than pretending that the rule doesn’t apply to you, that your job is too important to merit your adherence to the rule, there’s something about putting structures in place that allow you to meet your needs — such as speaking with your colleagues during the performance — without flaunting in the face of others that you are not following this rule.  In other words, while getting what you need is important, you want to be able to have your need met without placing you outside the context of the rule or rules at hand.

Bottom-line:  at times, leadership will require certain tasks of you that may not align perfectly with the general rules or protocols that are established in your system.  This is not a problem, so long as you address your individual needs in such a way that allows you to do what you need to do without seeming that you are somehow above or outside of rules or protocols.  Because when it comes right down to it, the rules are for you too.

What do you think about rules?  Share your thoughts here in this blog forum, or email me at info@stellarcc.com.

How Are You Wrong?

So, I had an interesting discussion yesterday with a client.  Without going into details – because they’re not at all relevant to what I’m about to discuss — she was feeling wronged and maligned.  She was frustrated by the behaviour of  those around her, feeling that others were making less-than perfect choices that were impacting her.  In short, her relationship with these people was strained to say the least.  Not an uncommon scenario, by any stretch of the imagination.  It happens personally and professionally all the time; others make choices that are incongruent with yours, and it’s frustrating.  It tests your mettle, for sure.

The question that comes up for me — and I’ve often asked this of clients, colleagues, and myself — is “how am I/you wrong in this scenario, as opposed to the others?”  While it’s easy to get riled at the actions of others, there’s a way that each of us contributes to the relationship and how it plays out.  So, when someone’s irking you, I’ve got to ask, what’s your role in the equation?

When you can disengage from the trigger long enough, this is a fascinating question to play with.  When you can distance yourself from the judgment of the supposed “wrong-doer” — whether a colleague, a staff member, a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger — my experience is that you can find some piece, however small, for which you can take responsibility.  Fascinating stuff.  Because when you can stop being so angry at “them” and recognize your own role in the scenario at hand, you can actually be more constructive in your interactions, finding a way to diffuse the situation with greater ease.

Bottom-line:  while you and I both know that the other person is wrong (said tongue-in-cheek), there’s something great to be gained by owning even a small piece of the issue at hand.  You’ve gotta ask yourself, “how are you wrong?”

I’d love your take on this post.  What happens for you when you contemplate your role in a problematic situation?  Can you do this without beating yourself up?  Let   me know — I’m truly curious!

Tweak It, Don’t Ditch It

Sitting here contemplating the strategy of planning.  So many of us are planners, at least in some area of our lives.  Plans are good, overall.  Plans provide direction, plans tell you what to do when you feel too tired to figure it out.  That being said, even the best laid plans can prove unreliable.  Or at least, not as reliable or infallible as originally thought.

I’ve had the privilege of dealing with plan-related glitches recently.  I don’t think I’m unique in this regard — everyone experiences glitches — but I’ve chosen to observe my responses to such glitches.  And, I’ve noted the responses of others  — whether clients, colleagues, friends, family members — when they experience glitches.  So often, there can be a tendency to just ditch the plan altogether. Sometimes, that actually serves; and sometimes, it really doesn’t.

What I’m noticing is that sometimes — often times — the plan doesn’t need to be ditched, it just needs to be tweaked.  Modified.  There’s just one little click to make, one little detail to alter, one little timeline to adjust — in order to make an otherwise ineffective plan, effective.  The plan isn’t a complete waste — it just needs to be tweaked.

My thought is that, in this sense, plans can be likened to a sweater that gets caught on something sharp and ends up with a pulled thread as a result.  You could say that the sweater is now unwearable and ditch it.  That, however, really would be a waste.  Why?  Because it doesn’t take a lot of effort to flip the sweater inside out and pull the thread back.  Do this, and all of a sudden the “unwearable” sweater is wearable again.  Same thing with plans; one little tweak and all of a sudden what was unworkable, is now workable.

Bottom-line:  before you ditch the plan altogether, you’ve got to ask yourself — is this tweakable?  If it is, tweak away and watch your plan gain traction and achieve what you intended all along.  Only ditch if it can’t be tweaked.  Methinks that this is a good motto when it comes to achieving success.