Looking Beyond the Let-Down, to the Opportunity
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward,toward finding the answer.” ~Denis Waitley
Yesterday I had the distinctly disappointing experience of being let down by a client. In a nutshell, the person in question told me that she would be pulling out of an agreement that we’d made. As near as I can tell, the pulling out isn’t going to be a permanent thing — it’s supposedly just on hold for a few months. And she assures me that she’s committed to continuing once a few personal ducks are lined up — she wants to keep doing the work she’s embarked on. All this aside, it was a disappointment in the moment nonetheless.
As I felt myself reel in response to this news, I simultaneously became aware of an urge to look beyond the let-down. And it was interesting to notice this urge. Because, of course, it was competing with the urge to be angry and vent a bit. As I sat with these competing urges, what I realized is that where I am in the long run, depends hugely on which urges I choose to follow moment to moment. In this instance, if I choose to follow the urge to be angry and vent, then I will stay in this “let down” place. If, however, I choose to follow the urge to look beyond — to the opportunity — then I will actually move forward. Which begs the question: do I want to stay here? Or do I want to move on?
What I know for sure is that this is the constant challenge for me. Not simply the “let-down” vs. “opportunity” question, but the question of “this moment” vs. “the future”. I know that there is power in staying fully present in the moment. And, I also know that sometimes, you’ve actually got to put your attention forward, even while you are aware of what’s happening now. It’s an interesting balancing act; and usually what lies ahead, particularly when it’s a specific goal or objective, has got a “wow factor” that the present-moment-spinning just can’t provide.
Bottom-line: when the thing that’s happening in this moment causes you to be caught in a whirlwind of negativity, you’ve really got to put your attention beyond the here and now. Look to what’s possible, look to where you’re headed and, while you appreciate what’s going on now, pull yourself to the opportunity beyond. It’s the best way to blend the power of now with the energy of wow.
Who Are You Going to Believe?
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’ve got some great ideas, of this I’m sure. I’m a strong, confident woman with a keen intuitive sense of what is needed in various situations. I totally trust my gut — I don’t think it’s ever steered me wrong. And yet, I find myself questioning what I know from time to time. It’s so bizarre. And then, when I read the above quote by Emerson I realized that this sort of questioning probably happens more often than I care to admit, and that I’ve absolutely had to be courageous to do some of the things I’ve chosen to do — like start my own company.
This whole idea — the idea that following the path that you carve out for yourself will be met with resistance and therefore requires courage – feels novel somehow. And wrong. I guess what feels wrong specifically is the idea that we question each other and our choices. What’s funny, as I sit with this, is that I think we only question our own choices when someone else questions them first.
So now, the question that’s coming up for me is this: is the self-doubt a bad thing? The introspection that has you evaluate from time to time? My intuitive answer is “nope.” I don’t think the introspection is wrong — until and unless it takes you right off your path. I think there’s a way that you’ve got to hold both — the possibility that you’re wrong along with the belief that you’re right. And then there’s the third thing to hold, which is the willingness to change or modify your plans if in fact you are wrong in some way. Weird.
I guess the bottom-line realization for me this morning is this: I am willing to entertain the doubts, whether mine or someone else’s for a brief time. After that, however, unless something has radically changed, I’m going to believe and trust my intuition and follow the path that I believe to be right for me. This is an ability I’ve developed, the ability to know what needs to be done. It may not look or feel right to you; it may not be what you would choose; and that’s okay. I’ll trust that you know your path, and I know mine and all will be good.
Real Leaders Don’t Micromanage
“Don’t tell people how to do things; tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.” ~George S. Patton
This is the quote that jumped out at me this morning. And what I know is that it has implications through all facets of your life, whether you consider yourself a leader or not. At home, at work, in social settings — the tendency to have expectations, set expectations and to then tell people how exactly to meet those expectations runs rampant. I know I can fall into that pattern; and this week I’ve spoken to several clients and colleagues who have shared stories that revolve around this method of getting expectations met. The challenge is this: when you tell people how to do things, you’re micromanaging; and in doing that you’re taking on a level of responsibility that you actually don’t need.
One of the places where this shows up for me is in the parenting context. And I know that an argument can be made for telling my children what to do — or showing them — by way of teaching them. For example, I know I could argue that telling them exactly what to pack in their lunch, or specifically which steps to follow to clean their rooms efficiently, could be framed as embracing teaching moments. And my thought, as I sit with this quote from George S. Patton this morning, is that there might have been a time for that when they were younger — a “lead by example” sort of thing. The fact, however, is that they are now older. And as a parent, I still need to lay out the expectations (pack a balanced, healthy lunch; tidy your room and put things where they belong) — but how they meet those expectations can really be left up to them. While I might advocate for an apple, sandwich and milk in their lunch, they might totally be all for cheese and crackers, yogurt, oranges and trail mix. Not what I would’ve chosen — and still meets the requirement.
While the parenting context is where I grapple with this particular aspect of leadership, you might well notice the urge to micromanage in the workplace. The scenarios are different, granted, but the ideas are the same. When you take it upon yourself to set out proscribed requirements for every facet of an expectation, you’re no longer leading. Real leaders lay out the expectations and then stay open to how the expectations get met. The payoff is that novel and innovative ideas and solutions get generated in an environment that has really strong leaders, not micromanagers. Micro-managing will get the job done; and the environment will be stagnant and predictable, not at all exciting or noteworthy.
Bottom-line: if you want to get things done, be clear about your expectations. Set your parameters. Then stand back, and allow alternate processes to come alive. Your way is just a way — rest assured, there are others. And it can be worthwhile to allow any way that meets the expectation to be okay.
Stay the Course, AND Tweak As You Go
For some reason I’ve spent the last few days being curious about what I call “the correction factor.” As I contemplate my life and the journey I’m on, overall I feel like I’m on the right track. For sure. I see the impact that I’m creating in the world, I hear the feedback that I get from the people I connect with…and yet I know there’s so much MORE that I could be creating. So much more I could be facilitating. So much more I could be accomplishing. The challenge is this: I haven’t really been able to get clear on what the “more” is. At this point, it’s a feeling — an intuitive knowing that there’s some gap that only I can fill, and I haven’t quite honed in on it. I’m close — and it’s as though I’m two or three kaleidoscope clicks away from the perfect pattern that’s meant to be mine.
What I’ve realized as I’ve sat with this feeling over the last few days is this: in the past, I would feel tempted to cut and run. Not run as in “run away” from anything in particular, but run as in “change direction”, run towards something else. All this did was leave me feeling confused. This time, however, I’m choosing — actually, it’s more like understanding the need — to honour the feeling of “rightness” about the path I’m on — and looking at where, how and what I might tweak even as I stay the course. There’s a way that I know I’m up to great things; I’m actually having the effect that I want to have in the world, just not on the scale that I want. So now, I get to hold the question of how to magnify or augment what I do — without actually changing what it is I’m doing. This is new for me.
When I extrapolate this idea to the general area of leadership, I realize that the lesson holds true. There’s a way that, as a leader (whether in the political sense, organizational, business or familial), you’ve got to always evaluate whether or not you’re on track. And even when you’re on track, you’ve got to measure the effectiveness of what it is you’re creating. And as you measure and evaluate, you’ve got to tweak — modify, adjust — without actually straying from the course, without losing sight of the ultimate destination.
Bottom-line: once you know you’re on track, stay there. Tweak as you must, but stay the course. My sense is that is how you experience the success that you really want.
Leadership & Confrontation
“I don’t do well with confrontation.” It’s amazing to me how often I hear this phrase, or similar ones. My clients, , my family, my friends, my colleagues — in every realm of my life, there appear to be a myriad of people who claim this as their truth. It’s as though there’s something about “confrontation” that must be avoided. And at first glance, I can see why. Confrontation by its very nature is “in your face”; there’s always an energy of accusation on the one hand, and then defense on the other. This sort of dynamic is anything but fun, admittedly.
All that being said, however, one of the things I know for sure is that confrontation can nearly always be reframed as “opportunity.” When you consider the circumstance of someone having wronged you in some way — let’s say your friend has been taking advantage of your generosity — you could certainly confront them. The implication when you do so is that you will vent, express your anger in a manner that’s somewhat forceful, and then expect an apology in return. This would be the confrontational approach. The opportunity in this circumstance, however, is to express your frustration with the express purpose of
a) having your friend understand the impact of her behaviour, and
b) exploring how the circumstance might change to everyone’s satisfaction.
In other words, in order to change confrontation to opportunity, you need to switch your intention from mere venting to resolving the issue at hand.
As leaders, situations of confrontation will arise more often than you might like. Whether you’re a leader in the workplace, in your neighborhood, in your family or anywhere else, there will be times when things seem awry, when feelings get hurt, when situations need to be addressed. If you come at these scenarios with the basic intention of venting, it will not be pleasant. If, however, you shift your focus from confrontation to opportunity, you will always be able to have an experience that serves all concerned. So really, confrontations can be seen as opportunity in disguise.
Don’t Force It, Flow With It
I don’t usually work on weekends. I much prefer to spend my weekends engaged in household and family activities; meals together, laundry, groceries, family games and movies, my son’s hockey games, my daughter’s dance classes, church — clearly there’s more than enough to fill my weekends without throwing work in there. That being said, last night was an exception. I needed and wanted to spend some time tweaking the content for the first recording session of my upcoming radio show. The show itself airs this coming Sunday for the first time, and recording is today. While the content was essentially done, there were tweaks I wanted to make, to ensure that I am comfortable with this experience.
While sitting and playing away (it felt like playing for the most part), the creative juices just weren’t flowing. And I found myself in the very real dilemma of knowing that the task needed to be done, but feeling like I was beating my head against a wall. Slowly — very slowly — I managed to craft and tweak for a time, and then I realized that the effort wasn’t resulting in equal output; I was putting in a lot of effort for poor quality results. I realized I was trying to force something that just wasn’t happening. So I decided to let it go — for then.
In doing so, I released my brain from the need to create something that just wasn’t coming together. And I realized my mental energy, allowing myself to just settle into a state of relaxation. The result? This morning when I revisited the task, I was able to accomplish in 60 minutes twice as much as was possible in 2 1/2 hours last night. Why I didn’t stop sooner is beyond me. No it’s not; the reason I didn’t stop sooner was because I allowed myself to buy into a mental story that said I HAD to get it done NOW. Which was silly — the essence was there, and the finer points were better tweaked when I was in the mental space for it. When I could flow with the ideas, rather than force the concept.
As leaders, there’s a lot of pressure to get things done now. Sometimes the pressure is to get things done yesterday. And while deadlines are very real and usually need to be honoured, working under the pressure may serve sometimes; and sometimes it gets in the way. The trick is knowing when pressure’s working for you, and when it’s forcing you to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. When it comes right down to it, it’s always better to flow with the process, rather than force it.
Keeping a Clear Head
It’s inevitable. The way things are, with the sheer number of tasks we undertake and the commitments we make to ourselves and those around us, as women leaders our brains are often filled to capacity with a myriad of details. There’s so much to keep track of! Schedules, numbers, finances, to-do-lists, to-call-lists, etc;. In speaking with a number of clients and colleagues this week, this “my brain is full” tendency appears to be almost epidemic.
From what I can see and what I’ve experienced myself, this “full-brain syndrome” isn’t a problem in and of itself. The challenge arises when our brains keep being filled without our conscious awareness, because then we can’t do anything tangible to deal with the fullness, and eventually, things start to either implode or explode, depending on the circumstances. Headaches are often a sure sign that there’s way too much going on in the brain — whether this is scientific fact or not I’m not sure; I just know that this has been my experience and what I’ve witnessed. And if not headaches, then an inability to retain information — it’s as though the brain reaches a point of capacity at which it says, “sorry, no more; everything else can just stay out.”
So, aside from taking pain relievers, staying hydrated and simply saying “no” to additional information, what can one do to keep a clear head? Well, there’s a simple law that says what goes in, must go out. It’s just the way it is. So you need to find a way to expend that which you take in. A simple way is to journal. The challenge that arises with journalling is that so often people feel compelled to “do it right”. The irony is that there is no “right” way to journal. Just pick up a pen and start writing! Your book doesn’t have to be fancy, you don’t have to worry about grammar and spelling, journaling is simply about clearing your mind, getting your thoughts out so that you can allow space for what needs to come in next. It’s a way of processing information rather than holding on to it.
Another strategy for keeping the brain clear is to talk. That’s right — let it all out verbally. You can talk to a friend, a family member or a professional such as a coach or therapist, or you can simply vent out loud to no-one in particular (doing this in public may cause others some concern, so you might want to do this in the confines of your home!). The point is to get your thoughts and ideas out. This type of releasing can provide a fresh perspective on what might otherwise seem problematic.
A final method of clearing is to focus on simply releasing energy from your whole self. Exercise of some sort — walking, running, biking, yoga, stretching, whatever — provides a physical release which, while not seeming directly related to the build up of stuff in your mind, still allows your head to clear of the stuff you don’t need to be holding. Whatever the process is, it really does clear your head.
When it comes right down to it, the best way to function and move through your day is to keep your mind clear of all distractions. In order for this to happen, you must make a habit of clearing your head regularly. Finding a strategy or combination of strategies to assist in this process is essential. So find the way that works for you. Keep a clear head, and everything flows easier. That’s the bottom-line.
Distinguishing Intuition from Fear
As a coach, one of the personal qualities that I rely on a fair bit is my intuition. Intuition is a quality which we all have access to; the question is whether or not you hone it and learn to work it, or whether you squash it and ignore it. Like anything else, the more you use it, the more skilled you become and the stronger it gets, rather like a muscle.
No matter how skilled you are at using your intuition, however, there is an inherent challenge. You see, intuition is about “inner knowing” — hearing that quiet voice that can be a fabulous guide when you learn to pay attention. The challenge is that everyone of us actually has two distinct inner voices, each of which strives to make itself heard. Intuition is one; fear is the other. And sometimes, the two can sounds awfully similar, particularly if the circumstance involved is new, unfamiliar, or unusual in some way. The question is, how do you tell the difference? Even those most skilled at using intuition can grapple with this one. And, there is a distinction that can be helpful. Emotional charge.
Years ago, I worked with a colleague who pointed out that genuine, intuitive knowing — regardless of the topic in question — rarely has an emotional charge to it. Instead, the voice of intuition generally expresses itself in a really grounded, emotion-free way. So even if your inner knowing is trying to warn you about something, there’s no fear-mongering involved; it simply draws your attention to what needs to be noticed, and lets you move along your merry way. The voice of fear, however, is emotionally-charged and then some. The voice of fear will have you spiral into the depths of certain death if you don’t follow whatever path it’s trying to steer you toward. This emotional distinction is what you can use to determine if you’re being guided by intuition or fear.
You might be asking, does this distinction matter? I would argue that it absolutely does. And I’m going to get really real with a personal example here to illustrate the point. I am currently grappling with a health concern. Months ago, I was faced with a medical test result that was scary to say the least. As is standard protocol, the test was repeated — and the result was negative, thankfully. So a follow-up appointment was scheduled for next year, but the concern was alleviated for the time being. Now here’s the thing. While my initial reaction at the second test result was pure exhilaration, I was aware at the time — and have been in the months ensuing — of a small voice in me saying that in actual fact, the second test was wrong, not the first one. The voice is small, relatively quiet, not at all pushy — and it’s there. There’s a second voice, however, (I swear, I am not talking about multiple personalities here) that’s louder and tends to swing on the emotional pendulum, vascilating between total “you are so going to die in the next 6 months” and “oh, for goodness sake, you’re fine, quit worrying, good grief already”. What I know for sure, when I choose to pay attention is that it’s the first voice I need to pay attention to. Not because I need to worry, not because it’s right, but rather because I need to get some facts — in a really grounded way. I actually want to be more certain that the second test was in fact the right result, and not the other way around. Now I could continue to notice and otherwise ignore both voices. Or I could ride the emotional roller-coaster of the voice of fear (that’s the 2nd voice). Or I could hear the concern of the first voice and get some answers — which is where I’m headed.
When it comes right down to it, no matter who you are, the voice of fear and the voice of intuition are both present, it’s the nature of the human experience. Both can provide some guidance for how you live your life. The voice of fear, however, is always rooted in emotion of some sort, and as such may not have the most grounded options for you. The voice of intuition, on the other hand, is much more gentle (even when it’s loud), providing some guidance, but never pushing. It’s grounded, leaving the ultimate choosing up to you. So what I want you to take away from this, particularly if you’re in any decision-making circumstance is this: acting from grounded intuition will always serve you better, than action taken from fear-based emotion. That’s the bottom-line.
Gratitude Never Grows Old
So, this past weekend was Thanksgiving for those of us in Canada. And I’ve got to tell you, I love thanksgiving celebrations. Everything from getting together with family and friends,sharing bountiful meals, and fall weather, be it beautiful and balmy (which it was!) or crisp and cool — heck, even rain has a certain cozy-quality that it evokes for me. Then of course there’s beautiful fall foliage — bright reds, oranges, yellows that just aren’t to be seen during other seasons — corn mazes to be explored, harvest fruits and veggies to be gathered. Bottom-line, the whole thanksgiving experience is one which I absolutely savour.
At the very heart of the holiday, beyond all the trappings and trimmings, is the thing that I love the most — the giving of thanks. Years ago the notion of adopting an “attitude of gratitude” was put forth as a means of experiencing happiness, no matter what your external circumstance. This idea is based on the premise that gratitude can come first, rather than the circumstance you’re hoping for. So often, we believe that it has to be the opposite; once we get the “thing” — whatever it might be — then we can be happy. An attitude of gratitude, however, has us stand in thankfulness for what is, rather than hoping for what isn’t yet, and then continue to be grateful as circumstances evolve, however that might look.
What I tend to notice is this: when I choose to stand in gratitude, my focus shifts from whatever isn’t working, whatever isn’t present, whatever isn’t perfect, to all that is great. I can actually feel my heart grow lighter, my mind clear, the space around and within me expand, creating room for more. It’s purely energetic, I know. And it’s profound and awesome at the same time. All the time. Pure magic. Little things take on big meaning; big things find their true place in the grand scheme of things. It’s like everything falls into place.
So, all of this leads me to issue an invitation — for the next month, begin and end your day with gratitude. Make a list, writing things down for which you are grateful; or keep a gratitude jar, filling it with stones or shells representative of each and every thing for which you express thanks. Watch your list grow, or your jar fill. And simultaneously, feel your life get better, in whatever way, shape or form that happens. Trust me; it will.
Committed: Are You? Or Do You Need to Be?
As you may or may not know, I set an objective a while ago, given that this is a milestone birthday year for me. The objective is around running, and has crystalized into running a 10 km sometime this year. Originally, my thought was to run a 10 km this fall. I’ve been toying with the idea, however, of pushing the run date to the spring. Which I find very interesting. Why? Because I’m not 100% sure why I’m wanting to postpone it.
If I take a step back and examine the question at hand, I realize a couple of truths. First, I’ve found it beyond challenging to establish a consistent training regiment. I’m getting some training in — and it doesn’t feel consistent enough in any way. While I’m not aiming for a particular time for the run, it would be nice to have enough training under my belt to finish in a decent amount of time (under 75 minutes would be great!!) Second, I know that I always do better when I’m running with someone — and I just haven’t been able to actually find someone to run with. I think I’ve maybe found a running partner in my neighbour — she’s definitely interested — but getting our schedules to coordinate is another matter. It’s like everywhere I turn, there’s another challenge to consider. Which brings me to the consideration of my title question: how committed am I to the idea of running? And why? What will it serve?
I know that I love the idea of being able to say that I ran a 10 km as a means of celebrating this milestone birthday. In addition to being a real marker in that way, it would also allow me to bust a story I’ve got going that I’m not capable of running that distance (so not true, and I’d love to be able to have the concrete evidence). I’m also discovering that when I run, no matter how far, I do feel better physically, emotionally, mentally. There’s a way in which running provides an outlet for all sorts of stuff, clearing my head, creating space for health and new thoughts. It’s a good thing.
Knowing all of this, am I truly committed? Or do I need to be committed? I’m thinking “no” to the latter — even if my thought process leads me to the conclusion that I’m not entirely committed to this run (and I haven’t reached that conclusion yet!), being committed doesn’t seem like a necessary course of action. As I sit with this question, here’s what I’m realizing: I’m totally committed to doing a run; and I’m not as attached to doing the run this fall. I actually could leave it until spring, and I’d be okay with that. Which leads me to a new question: what do I want to commit to? And then, what will it take — how will I choose to be — as I move to honour that commitment?
I’ll keep you posted as this evolves for me. And in the meantime, I want to invite you to consider similar questions related to whatever you’re undertaking in your life right now? How committed are you to whatever that endeavour is? And how will you need to be in order to honour that commitment? Feel free to share your thoughts! I always love hearing what you have to say.