How Are You REALLY? — Are You Sure?

“How are you?”  This is a question that is asked hundreds of times a day, in various forms.  And more often than not, the answer of choice is “fine, thanks”, “good, thanks”, or some similar phrase, usually delivered with very little enthusiasm or thought.  Moreover, there are definitely times where the answer “fine, thanks” is clearly not true.  Or, at the very least while it might be true, it doesn’t jive with the energy and vibe being given off.  So I’m sitting in a place of curiousity around this, wondering what it is that stops people from answering truthfully, or at least acknowledging the disconnect between their words and their energy.

Let me give an example.  This morning I called a friend very quickly to confirm plans for our children this weekend.  The moment she answered the phone, I could tell that she wasn’t in her usually cheerful spirits.  Not that she has to be; she’s entitled to feelings other than cheerfulness, especially when the weather is grayish.  That being said, when I questioned how she was, her answer was (in the most flat-lined tone possible) “oh, I’m fine. Nothing wrong at all.”  When I expressed concern about her voice tone (“are you sure?  you don’t sound fine.”) she did acknowledge that the weather was getting her down.  My question is, why couldn’t this have been part of her original answer?  What is it that has people hold back various aspects of the truth, particularly when it pertains to “how they’re doing?”

In an effort to find the answer, I’ve done a little introspection.  While I realize that I may not represent humanity as a whole, I think there may be elements of universal truth in my experience.  So here’s what I know:

-sometimes, I don’t want to share details with the person in question — due to a lack of trust, lack of intimacy, etc;

-sometimes, I haven’t actually taken the time — and don’t want to take the time –  to check in and find out how I am.  Answering with the “expected” answer feels like it’s all I can muster.

-sometimes, I’m distracted.

-sometimes, I’m trying to “fake it till I make it”; in other words, I’m trying to shift my “down-state” into something more upbeat

While all of these rationales may be true at various times for me, I do think that there’s something that gets lost, and something “icky” that gets created in its place, when we don’t take the time and effort to answer truthfully — or to at least acknowledge the discrepancy between our “fine” answer and our “less-than-fine” demeanor.  I wonder what it would take for us to interact with each other and with ourselves truthfully, at all times?  It’s just a curious question that I’m holding.  And while I hold it, I’ll invite you to ask yourself — how are you today?  Are you sure?