It Takes Two to Tango

Last night I was watching one of my favourite shows, Being Erica (if you’ve never watched it, it’s totally worth checking out –  new season’s coming up too!).  Last night’s lesson was all around “control” — a particularly interesting topic for me, especially given that I’ve coauthored a book on the subject.   Anyhow, last night, Erica’s big learning was that in any relationship, she could only control her part in it.  More specifically, while she may have wanted a certain type of relationship with another person, the only aspect of that relationship that she had any power over was her own actions and choices.  She could write the “script” all she wanted, but the other person would still, ultimately, choose their own lines.

I absolutely loved this lesson, and the way it was conveyed.  You see, I often feel myelf wishing that people would act a certain way with me, say certain things, etc;.  But no matter how much I might set the stage or lay the groundwork, the notion of free choice (which we all have) means that ultimately, I can only set the stage and lay the groundwork, nothing more.  I can’t force others to act a certain way.  Not my friends, not my family, not my colleagues, not my children.  I can make requests, absolutely; I can teach them or explain to them what I’m needing, wanting, expecting, hoping for.  And, that’s the most I can do.  Ultimately, they will choose their next move — and I will choose mine in response to that.

Bottom-line:  being in relationship with someone requires me to be open to that person making their own choices, regardless of my expectations.  I can explain my expectations, and then I need to let them dance, knowing that it takes two to tango.