When You Take Responsibility, Are You REALLY Responsible?

I had an interesting experience yesterday.  But before I dive into the actual event, I need to provide a bit of background.

A few months ago, my son discovered a new interest, much to my chagrin:  wrestling.  I’ve got to admit, I was not amused, and wasn’t even really sure how to respond.  I personally find wrestling of the WWE variety less than entertaining and questionable in terms of what it conveys regarding lessons around respectful interactions.  Wrestling as a sport I’m okay with.  Wrestling as it is in the WWE/entertainment realm — not so much.

So I was in a bit of a quandry as to what to do, how to be and such.  After some discusssion with my husband, we spoke with our son about our reservations, and told him that he could watch the occassional match and play some of the video games at his friend’s house, although we would not have those video games in our house.

I’ve been wary about this decision ever since, because it has felt like such a misrepresentation of most of my core values.  And last week, I got to listen to my son share some choice phrases that he had learned from wrestling.  My blood boiled even as I realized that he was using the phrases without any idea of what they actually meant.  And so, after another discussion with my husband, we sat our son down again, shared our lingering concern, admitted that we had made a mistake in allowing him to view such programs as they didn’t fit with our families values, and asked that he respect our new decision.  Which he seemed to totally get, which was great.

So, now we get to the interesting experience from yesterday.  In talking to a friend, whose son originally introduced the whole wrestling thing to our son, I shared our recent experience and corresponding decision.  Her immediate response was “I feel responsible.”  To which I said, “for what?”  She explained that from her perspective, it was her allowing her son to watch wrestling that had led to this in the first place.  Which I thought was really interesting.  While I see that my son was introduced to wrestling by her son, I don’t see how her family’s choices forced me to make mine — I assured her that I did not blame her in any way for my decision to allow and then not allow the wrestling-viewing.  You see, I’m totally aware that different families choose different things based on their values and perspectives. I’m also aware that sometimes different values can feel at odds.  What I’m trusting I conveyed yeseterday, is that my choice to eliminate wrestling-viewing from our home was not a judgment or condemnation of her choice to allow it.  I in no way hold her responsible for my son’s interests.  And I could see that she was still grappling with it, feeling a sense of responsibility for something that wasn’t hers to be responsible for.

Bottom-line learning for me is this:  it behooves us all to take responsibility for our part in situations, and nothing more.  Taking responsibility for that which isn’t yours to be responsible for simply adds angst where it doesn’t need to be.  And imposing somebody else’s values over your own is a surefire way to get embroiled in self-judgment.  None of which is good.