When You Take Responsibility, Are You REALLY Responsible?

I had an interesting experience yesterday.  But before I dive into the actual event, I need to provide a bit of background.

A few months ago, my son discovered a new interest, much to my chagrin:  wrestling.  I’ve got to admit, I was not amused, and wasn’t even really sure how to respond.  I personally find wrestling of the WWE variety less than entertaining and questionable in terms of what it conveys regarding lessons around respectful interactions.  Wrestling as a sport I’m okay with.  Wrestling as it is in the WWE/entertainment realm — not so much.

So I was in a bit of a quandry as to what to do, how to be and such.  After some discusssion with my husband, we spoke with our son about our reservations, and told him that he could watch the occassional match and play some of the video games at his friend’s house, although we would not have those video games in our house.

I’ve been wary about this decision ever since, because it has felt like such a misrepresentation of most of my core values.  And last week, I got to listen to my son share some choice phrases that he had learned from wrestling.  My blood boiled even as I realized that he was using the phrases without any idea of what they actually meant.  And so, after another discussion with my husband, we sat our son down again, shared our lingering concern, admitted that we had made a mistake in allowing him to view such programs as they didn’t fit with our families values, and asked that he respect our new decision.  Which he seemed to totally get, which was great.

So, now we get to the interesting experience from yesterday.  In talking to a friend, whose son originally introduced the whole wrestling thing to our son, I shared our recent experience and corresponding decision.  Her immediate response was “I feel responsible.”  To which I said, “for what?”  She explained that from her perspective, it was her allowing her son to watch wrestling that had led to this in the first place.  Which I thought was really interesting.  While I see that my son was introduced to wrestling by her son, I don’t see how her family’s choices forced me to make mine — I assured her that I did not blame her in any way for my decision to allow and then not allow the wrestling-viewing.  You see, I’m totally aware that different families choose different things based on their values and perspectives. I’m also aware that sometimes different values can feel at odds.  What I’m trusting I conveyed yeseterday, is that my choice to eliminate wrestling-viewing from our home was not a judgment or condemnation of her choice to allow it.  I in no way hold her responsible for my son’s interests.  And I could see that she was still grappling with it, feeling a sense of responsibility for something that wasn’t hers to be responsible for.

Bottom-line learning for me is this:  it behooves us all to take responsibility for our part in situations, and nothing more.  Taking responsibility for that which isn’t yours to be responsible for simply adds angst where it doesn’t need to be.  And imposing somebody else’s values over your own is a surefire way to get embroiled in self-judgment.  None of which is good.

Forget “Careful”- Be CLEAR on What You Wish For

You’ve all heard it said at least once in your life:  be careful what you wish for.  What I’ve learned over the past few weeks, however, is that wishing for something is less about caution and more about clarity.  And maybe that’s actually what was meant when the adage was first pronounced.

You see, several days ago I declared an intention — namely, to release from my life all that wasn’t serving me in terms of beliefs, baggage, etc;.  It’s been fun, for the most part, as I’ve allowed limiting beliefs and ideas come to the surface and let them go.  What I’d forgotten, however, is that all emotional and spiritual “stuff” in our lives does have a physical complement.  So as I’ve been having fun letting go of stuff emotionally, what I’ve had to put up with is a physical purging as well.  Not quite as much fun — and, it is what it is.

The perspective I’m choosing to stand in as my stomach experiences these gut-wrenching (literally) pangs is that all of this “letting go” is serving me well.  I will come out on the other side of this experience feeling better overall.  And in the meantime, all I’ve got to say is “Ouch.”  And note to self:  sometimes what’s good for me doesn’t feel so great.  You gotta love life’s paradoxes.

It Ain’t Fixed in Stone

Or at least, it’s often better if it’s not.  This past weekend has been a lesson in flexibility and malleability for me.  I mean, I’m generally a pretty flexible person.  That being said, there are definitely some pictures which I have fixed in my mind that I often misinterpret as indelible.  It’s as though they’ve been drawn in permanent marker and there’s no altering them to save my life.  The irony is that these pictures, images, ideas are only as permanent as I make them.  I can, in fact, actually change them as I wish, when I wish.

When it comes to the achievement of goals and objectives, the same holds true.  These plans are not necessarily fixed in stone — they can totally shift and morph and evolve as I shift and morph and evolve.  The challenge that exists for me, is my understanding — born of reading such authors as Napoleon Hill — that those who are successful create a clear picture in their minds and rarely (if ever) change the picture.  Hill describes successful people as those who “make decisions quickly and rarely change  their minds.”  Somehow, I’ve translated this to an idea that says plans  must be carved in stone.  Well, I’m realizing that this isn’t necessarily the case.

While my decision to accomplish a certain task must be definitive and solid, there is a way in which it behooves me to be flexible in how I reach that objective.  Sometimes, the path I lay out for myself isn’t the most efficient or effective in terms of reaching my desired goal.  So, what needs to change isn’t my picture of the goal, but rather my plan for the achievement of that goal.  In other words, I still hold the vision of the goal, but then I go with the flow in terms of reaching the prize.  By keeping my eye on the prize and allowing myself to be open to how it’s reached, I can actually reach my objective more efficiently.

Bottom-line:  it’s time to get comfortable with pencils for plans, even while I write my goals in ink.  That way, the goal stays fixed, but I can find the easiest way to get there, adapting my plans as necessary.  It’s a good thing.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles…

…begins with a single step.  I think it was Confuscious who said this originally, although I could be wrong.  Whoever said it, this feels like an important thing for me to remember these days.  My brain is in hyper-drive (or so it seems); ideas are flowing, many things are demanding my attention, and everything has the same ultimate outcome in sight.  Which is a good thing; it means I’m not being pulled in a million directions.  Instead, however,  I’ve got a million or so things to do before I can reach the destination.  Which can be overwhelming, to say the least.

Oftentimes, my tendency in these times can be to allow the overwhelm to consume me and to therefore not do anything.  By holding on to the idea of a single step, however, I find that I’m able to move forward each and every day.  I’m not at the destination YET.  I’m not even really sure when exactly I’ll reach it.  What I do know, however, is that because I’ve taken a single step or two, I’m closer than I was when the day started.

Bottom-line:  a series of single steps, however small, is bound to get me to my desired destination.  It just is.  So while I’m aware of the many things that need to be done, I can totally relieve myself of the idea that it all needs to be done NOW.  Instead, it just all needs to be done, when it’s done, and then I’ll reach the prize.  Life is good.

YLYW Podcast 9: The Power of Choice & Emotions

Description: Ever find yourself saying “I don’t have a choice?” What gets shut down in your life when you operate from this frame? How can opening up choices serve you? What would be possible if you operated from the premise that you ALWAYS have a choice? Listen in on this podcast and find out how embracing choice can fill your life with a greater sense of EASE.

Summary: The seventh segment to the Your Life, Your Way series of podcasts: Podcast 9 — The Power of Choice & Emotions

Emotions are a powerful contributor to life – all aspects of life.  As human beings our tendency is to gravitate towards seemingly positive emotions — but life cannot be fully experienced unless we allow space for ALL emotions.  This segment provides insight and guidance on how to be with all emotions, thereby creating a fuller, richer experience of living Your Life, Your Way.

Wherever There is Shadow…

This morning was one of those rare occasions when I woke up before the sun was out in full force (I’m a woman who likes my sleep!).  As I looked out at the apparent greyness, I was reminded of a phrase I read a few years ago, which really struck me as worthy of note:  “wherever there is shadow, there must also be light.”

Today, as it turns out, is actually a bright, sunshiny day.  When I first awoke this morning, however, that wasn’t all that apparent.  And my inclination was to label the day as one that was going to be “dreary”.  This lasted for about 30 seconds, before I reminded myself that dreariness is a state of mind, independent of the presence – or lack thereof – of sunshine.  And then I remembered that even if the day was in fact “grey” — the sun was still there and that in fact the sun HAD to be there in order for the sense of greyness to be present.

I’m realizing that paradoxes are a big part of my life.  I see them wherever I go. Not sure how it serves — and in fact, sometimes I feel like it doesn’t! — but the paradox of light and shadow, and the relationship between the two feels like it’s right in my face today.

Bottom-line:  magic is available when I hold two seemingly opposite concepts as equally possib le in the same moment.  Shadow and light, they (can) co-exist.  It’s like sides of a coin; looking at one side doesn’t mean that the other isn’t there.  I may focus on tails for now, but at some point, heads will need to be given it’s share of attention as well.  Yet atain, another reminder that life really is an experience in contrasts.

Say What You Mean to Say (or at least try to…)

In the last week I keep hearing the phrase “I didn’t mean that” or some version thereof.  It’s actually laughable to me — or at least it’s become laughable, now that I’ve passed through the curiousity and frustration   And it has me realizing how seldom people stop to think ab out what they’re saying before they actually speak.

Let me be clear; I’m not suggesting for a moment that I’m somehow exempt from this phenomenon.  After all, I’m as human as the next person.  And I too have moments where words come out of my mouth, I hear them, and then go “that’s not what I meant”.

In light of the numerous experiences I’ve had with this sort of interaction over the past week, I’m in a place right now of challenging myself a little.  Inviting myself to slow down and be sure that the words coming out of my mouth actually reflect my meaning.  I know that I won’t always get this right.  After all, one of the things about language — particulary the english language — is that words can have multiple meanings, which means that whole phrases can be misinterpreted if one assumes a meaning other than what was intended.  For example, yesterday I received an email with the subject line “funny email from this address” — which I opened, expecting to have a good laugh.  Instead, what become obvious after I read the email a couple of times, was that the sender was using the word “funny” to mean “unusual or suspect” — and was in fact warning people that she hadn’t sent an earlier email.

Bottom-line: I guess I’m inviting us all — myself included — to slow down just a smidge and ensure that our words match our meaning.  While I can’t control how someone interprets my words, I can do my best to minimize what’s open to interpretation.  So I’m going to strive to turn up the dial on saying what I actually mean to say.

A Lesson in Learning

Seems sort of funny to have a lesson in learning, doesn’t it?  And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve just experienced.  You see, I’m a big proponent of learning:  learning from what life throws my way, learning from others, learning in every opportunity and every moment.  I think that’s essentially the point of life:  that we live and learn and grow and through that process become all of who we are.

One of the challenges in this learning process, particularly the “learning from life experiences” deal, is the way in which I can take things personally and then focus not on the inherent learning, but on defending whatever my belief or action is.  What I’m now realizing is that everytime I take something personally and then defend myself, it’s actually a brilliant way to divert myself from the real lesson in the situation, whatever it is.

Here’s an example:  I recently sent out a survey to my subscriber base, looking for feedback on the recent promotion of my podcast series.  In reviewing the responses to date, I saw that one of the surveys was completed by a colleague of mine, who essentially said that she doesn’t see the value in my product.  This felt like a stab in the heart of my work, and despite the fact that it’s the only survey with that particular response, my focus went to defending (to myself) my work, my actions, my product, etc;.  Here I had asked for feedback, received it, and rather than asking myself how and what I might learn from it, I went into defense-mode.  Interesting, I thought.

So now, I’m going to take a break, and then ask myself what merit is in her viewpoint and what I might learn from it.  Without taking this at all personally, how might I actually use the feedback to stay on track, rather than get diverted by defending myself?  This is the lesson for me at this moment.  It’s a good one, I think.

Bottom-line:  when I allow myself to get pulled into defense-mode, I lose the opportunity to learn.  So now it’s time to stay present to the learning.  How do you keep yourself present to the learning?

Riding the Wave

People often talk about “going with the flow.”  The essence of the phrase, as I understand it, is allowing and not resisting.  When it comes to life, there’s so much that happens that is completely out of our control in any way, shape or form.  We have total control over our thoughts, and erego over  our intentions and corresponding actions.   What life chooses to hand us in any given moment is entirely up to life.

I’ve had a week (so far) that’s required me to truly let go and go with the flow, or “ride the wave” as I prefer to call it.  I heard this phrase used by a colleague the other day and it seems quite apt.  I’ve got my goals and directions that I’m holding, and now I’m just riding the wave of what comes my way, going with the flow, and trusting that I will land where I actually intend — and knowing that even if I don’t end up right on point, I’ll be in the vicinity or somewhere better.

Sure, I have my moments of wanting to try and control it all.  But have you ever tried to control a wave?  It totally backfires.  So really, it’s just easy to ride it, navigate it, roll with it — and trust that it’s all good, while I control what I can — namely my thoughts and corresponding actions.

Bottom-line:  as I ride this current wave, I’m choosing to hold on to thoughts like “I love myself” and “all is well” — these thoughts keep my moving along, no matter how rough the waters.  What thoughts will you hold as you ride YOUR wave?

Time to Take Stock (aka, Appreciate What’s Here)

I’ve had an exceedingly productive day thus far.  Technically, I’ve got another couple of hours in which I could work.  And yet, I’m feeling called to shift gears a bit, move out of productive work mode, and move into a slower-paced “taking stock” mode.  This is one of the ways that I allow myself to hang out in the land of appreciation and gratitude.

You see, I know what I’m heading for most of the time.  I’ve got a clear sense of direction and purpose, and a few well-planned goals to head towards.  But what I know for sure is that when I just keep plowing forward, when I don’t take time to savour, appreciate and express gratitude, the fun begins to dwindle — as does the sense of inspiration and motivation.

So, I’m going to dive into the creation of an inventory of sorts, a “things to appreciate in my life right here, right now, on the 5th of August, 2009″ list.  Here goes:

• fabulous summer vacation in california
• memories created with the entire Jacob family together – these can’t be bought
• boogie-boarding in the pacific ocean
• first “Trip to the spa” with my daughter — more to come, you just know it
• had the season’s first corn on the cob last week — yummy and sweet
• my son has reached the double-digits in age — love watching my kids grow
• every one in my family is experiencing milestones this year — neat to reflect on this
• barbeque season is nice and long
• angel food cake grilled on the barbeque with strawberries – yum
• feeling the strength in my body as I run, cycle and do weights
• checkin’ out rides at grandkids day
• summer evenings lounging on the deck with a good book
• sheshe parties — purses, scarves and jewellery, oh my!
• new projects, products, ideas, insights
• restorative yoga sessions
• massage sessions
• short hair
• 14 years of wedded bliss
• best friends’ new babies — so cute!
• wedding fun
• wearing new colours
• telling jokes
• lying on the grass, watching the clouds
• anticipating watching the 6th harry potter movie
• episodes of Being Erica in re-runs — looking forward to next season
• laughing at Two and a Half Men
• watching the garden burst into colour
• watermelon – need I say more?
• cleaning, clearing, fenging and shui-ing

That feels like a lot so far — and I know there’s more. Which is a good thing.  So I’m gonna go and continue to appreciate and stand in gratitude.  So much good stuff in my life.  Gives meaning and purpose to the work that I’m doing.

What will it take for you to take stock?  And what will you discover when you do?

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