When You Haven’t Got The Answer…

Ever have the feeling of just not knowing the answer?  I know I do.  And my clients often do.  I think that’s just par for the course in this game called life.  And it can be a very frustrating situation, no doubt about it.

As a coach, my specialty is asking questions.  And what I know for sure is that sometimes it’s less about knowing the answer and more about knowing which question to ask.  So often I see it happen where I’m in a quandry, wrestling with the world around me trying to find the answer — only to realize that I’ve been focusing on the wrong question.   For example, I generally start my mornings by asking what intention I’m going to hold for the day.  It’s a question that generally serves and I can usually come up with an answer fairly quickly.  Sometimes, however, I just draw a blank.  I don’t know what intention to hold.  In those moments, I know it’s time to ask a different question, to change the focus as it were.  On those days, questions like “what do I want today’s theme song to be?” or “If I could go through today as a colour, what would it be?” will get me moving like nobody’s business.

You’ll notice these next questions aren’t exactly orthodox.  Nobody says they have to be.  The question to hold, orthodox or not, is the one that has you find an answer.  I guess the bottom-line is this:  when you haven’t got an answer, and finding the answer feels like a struggle, it’s likely time to ask a different question.  Try it.  At the very least it’ll shift your energy.  And that’s always a good thing.

How Much of It is REALLY About You?

In his book “The Four Agreements”, Don Miguel Ruiz lists “Don’t Take Things Personally” as one of the cornerstones of healthy human interaction.  Now I’ve got to admit, this is probably the agreement that I find most challenging to honour.  What I’ve come to realize over the last several months is that I have a default pattern whereby I USUALLY take things personally — as in I often take a situation or happening and make it about me.  And this pattern really ain’t working for me.

Has me wonder how many others do the same sort of thing — take things personally that really aren’t personal.  What I’ve learned through playing with Ruiz’s Four Agreements is that very little is personal in this world, and even when something is personal, it’s actually better for everyone to operate as if it isn’t.

You see, when you take a situation — say your neighbor has a habit of intruding on your space — and focus on the impact their behaviour is having on you, you’re making the situation about you — and it’s not.  One of the realizations I’ve had is that a person’s actions are about them, my reaction is about me.  So, the fact that a neighbor intrudes on your space is about them – that’s their behaviour.  How you respond (anger, frustration, angst, letting go, whatever) is about you.

When you separate a person’s actions from your reaction, when you realize that their action has NOTHING to do with you personally, you are liberated from the shackles that otherwise imprison you.  You’re free to make choices that are otherwise unseen.

Bottom-line: next time you find yourself freaking out about someone else’s actions, ask yourself if your reaction is conveying a message about YOU that you’re really comfortable with.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

…most people likely know the end of the cliche.   For those that don’t, it’s “try, try again.”  Great little words of wisdom, don’t you think?  Certainly, it speaks to the idea of persistence, which I’ve already blogged about a couple of times.  What I’m beginning to realize, however, is that while persistence is a good thing — and in fact a necessary thing — when it comes to achieving success — persistence without time to think and evaluate is a little like flying blind.

Regardless of what you’re striving for, no matter what it is that you’re aiming to be successful at, unless you’re willing to take the occasional step back and evaluate the situation, you’re going to waste energy and resources.  Now granted, when you’re on a roll, it’s a good idea to keep going.  And, even then, there’s a way in which it behooves you to make yourself aware of what’s going on around you, so that you can tweak your approach as necessary.

What I know for sure is that, on the road to success (whatever that is for you), there will be moments where you hit a speed bump, come to a fork in the road, or just plain run out of gas.  When any of these happen, you could try to plow your way ahead without any thought or consideration — and you’ll end up using a lot of energy that could be better spent.  When you find yourself approaching these sorts of moments, I assert that you’re better off slowing down and THINKING about your next step.  You don’t have to come to a grinding halt; and you do have to slow down.  Life isn’t meant to be charged through.  It’s meant to be lived with at least a modicum of thought.

Bottom-line, what I’ve learned is this:  if at first you don’t succeed, re-evaluate, then try again.

Release It or Embrace It?

Had the realization last week that there’s a limiting belief I’m holding on to.  I know, we’ve all got these limiting beliefs that hold us back.  What was frustrating for me last week, however, was the fact that I thought I’d dealt with this particular belief a long, long time ago.  I actually thought I had released it and moved on.  It would appear that what happened instead, is that I dealt with an aspect of it, and the belief itself stuck around to rear its head another time (last week, as it turns out).

Anyway, after my initial frustration, I got to thinking.  Did some exploring with trusted friends and colleagues, and connected with my own intuition as well through meditation and such.  As a result, I arrived at a new question to hold:  what if my attempts to release the limiting belief are actually working against me?  What if it’s not so much about releasing it, as it is about recognizing it and moving forard anyway?

In Rick Carson’s book Taming Your Gremlin (his term for that inner voice that keeps you stuck), Carson talks about first noticing the gremlin and then playing with options.  There’s no releasing that’s necessary.  In fact, it’s almost as though a sort of “embracing” is actually what needs to happen in order to move on with whatever it is that’s calling you.

Now, let me be clear.  This isn’t about giving  your limiting belief unnecessary power in your life.  Instead, I believe that it’s about recognizing the belief absolutely, and then moving past it.  Sort of like when you go for a walk or a run in the neighborhood; if there’s a vehicle blocking the sidewalk, you don’t waste energy or time trying to move the vehicle.  Instead you notice it and move past it in whatever way keeps you moving towards your ultimate objective.  The same principle applies to limiting beliefs.

So, I’m going to stop trying to release this particular belief.  I’ve named it and I know it’ll keep popping up.  When it does, I’ll acknowledge it again — just like that car blocking the sidewalk — and keep moving forward.  I really do think that’s the actual way to keep moving along.

Seeing Stars — Without Getting Hit in the Head

Several years ago I read a great quote by Rumi — personally I found it so great that it made it into our Control Freak’s Guide to Living Lightly as the Chapter 6 lead-in:  “Let the waters settle; you will see stars and moon mirrored in your being.”  Everytime I read these words, or recall them as the case might be, I’m instantly transported to a place of stillness within me.  Which is a great thing.

The world in which we live is so fast-paced.  However focused and determined you might be, I can guarantee you that there are a million and one things (more or less) that are calling for your attention, working to distract you from your goal, at any given moment.  It’s for this reason that I find Rumi’s directive so meaningful.

Taking the time to “let the waters settle” is a good thing.  No matter what you’re working on or toward, allowing yourself to step back and breathe ensures that you don’t get so bogged down that you lose sight of what you’re intentions are.  One of my mentors, Karen Kimsey-House gave me a fabulous analogy one day as I was running around trying to get myself grounded; she said essentially said that, whenever you learn something new, engage in a new activity, or start to implement change, it’s like taking your hand, putting it in the  fishbowl of your life and stirring the water around.  It makes a mess and things get murky.  So you have to wait for the water and waves to get still, allowing everything to settle into whatever new formation it takes, so that you can see clearly and THEN take action.

So take a moment — and the weekend is as good a time as any — to sit down, breathe and let everything in your life slowly settle.  It’ll all still be there — an hour from now, tomorrow morning, or even after the weekend — and you’ll be able to see it all clearly and take clear action from there.  Seeing stars and moon — especially mirrored in your being — what a gift.

Hard Work and Sacrifice – Do You Know What These Are?

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and re-reading lately.  My focus has been on some of the traditionally great thinkers in the area of law of attraction, success, positive thinking — you know, Napolean Hill, James Allen, Bob Proctor and the like.  This latest interest arises from a desire to tweak and hone my own success, to up the ante, to really step into the level of difference I’m making in the world around me, particularly through the work that I do on a day-to-day basis.

One of the ideas that seems to recurr in the writings of these great minds is that of “hard work” and “sacrifice” — the basic premise being that these are necessary to true success and financial gain.  It’s funny how I bristle anytime I read variations on this theme.  Which got me to wondering:  what the heck don’t I like about this idea?  Well, in the first place, my fundamental belief is that life is not meant to be hard, but rather lived and navigated with a sense of ease.  So the idea of hard work seems to fly in the face of this, don’t you think?  Or does it?

As I thought about this last night it occurred to me that maybe the idea of hard work isn’t diametrically opposed to the concept of living with ease.  In fact, I think this may be the cause of so many people’s frustration.  I think, when these writers talk about hard work and sacrifice, their meaning isn’t that life should be a slog.  Instead, it’s that life should be approached with persistence and commitment — and indeed these two concepts are also written about by all of these individuals.  You see, I was getting so irked by the idea of “working hard” — interpreted as “work your fingers to the bone and hate every minute of it” — that I neglected to put that concept in the greater context of the work.  Each of these writers also talks about the absolute necessity to LOVE the work you do.  And what I know for sure is this:  when you LOVE what you do, hard work isn’t hard at all.  You’re still committed, you’re still persistent, you’re making sacrifices –  and it all feels like fun.

Bottom-line:  be sure the guage of your “hard work and sacrifice” isn’t how tired and down-trodden you feel, but rather how energized and inspired you feel.  Because it’s about how much you love your work and what you’re willing to do to make your vision a reality.  That’s what it’s really about.

Self-care or Being Selfish: Can You Tell the Difference?

The second of this month’s podcast segments was released today, and it deals with this very topic.  Which is probably why I’m feeling called to write a bit about it here.  Truthfully, it’s a very relevant and timely topic for so many people.  In the hustle and bustle of our modern-day world, the need for self-care and nurture is in some ways increasing.  That being said, so many people don’t allow themselves the opportunity to engage in self-care activities, and one of the reasons for this self-neglect is the belief that caring for one’s self is SELFISH.  What a crock.

The difference lies in intention.  The actual actions involved might be the same, but the self-care perspective has a different underlying intention than the selfish one.  You see, when you’re being selfish, you’re entirely focused on your self, by definition.  The actions you choose are  based purely on how YOU will benefit; there’s no thought or idea that others might somehow benefit as well. Self-care, however, differs in that while you may be aware of an initial self-based payoff, you’re simultaneously aware that the payoff extends beyond you.  In otherwords, when you take care of yourself, you’re in turn able to take care of others.

Bottom-line: self-care is an essential part of being able to function effectively in the world.  Regardless of your occupation, relationship status, age or gender, engaging in activities that nurture yourself — mind, body and spirit — is integral to your overall health and your ability to be present for the things you need to do, or the people you need to be with.  As the modern-day phrase goes, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  So, make sure you’re taking steps to be happy.  Engage in a little self-care.

Want to take the whole “self-care” thing a step further?  Subscribe to the Your Life, Your Way, Starting Today podcast series!  It’s easy-to-use, affordable, and absolutely chock-full of ideas and insights for you to live your life on your terms.  Check it out at www.stellarcc.com/landing/

YLYW Podcast 7: The Importance of Self-Care

Description: Ever find yourself saying “I don’t have a choice?” What gets shut down in your life when you operate from this frame? How can opening up choices serve you? What would be possible if you operated from the premise that you ALWAYS have a choice? Listen in on this podcast and find out how embracing choice can fill your life with a greater sense of EASE.

Summary: The seventh segment to the Your Life, Your Way series of podcasts: Podcast 7 — The Importance of Self-Care

Too often, people – women in particular – refrain from engaging in self-care due to a misperception that taking care of one’s self is a selfish act.  In this segment, Gail busts this myth, clarifies the distinctions between the two concepts and explores the importance of self-care as it relates to living Your Life, Your Way, Starting Today.

What Do You Need to Change?

That’s the question that’s permeating my thoughts this morning.  Something is definitely not working in my whole “how I work” paradigm.  It’s a situation I experience a fair bit in the summer time.  You see, as someone who works from home — and generally LOVES it! — when summer comes, and the children are home along with my husband who’s a teacher, my fairly easy, “regular” routine goes to hell in a hand basket.  And it takes some adjustment on my part to come up with a new plan of action to work as effectively as I’m used to.

This year, however, it feels like things are requiring more than a little adjusting.  It’s more than just tweaking that needs to transpire (or at least, that’s the sense I’m getting).  It feels like I’m being called to actually implement some fundamental changes in the way I work   Which has me get really curious:  if something needs to change, what is it exactly?  How do I determine what needs to change, and then (perhaps more importantly) how do I implement that change with ease and grace?

As I ponder these questions, I realize that these are important questions for everyone to ponder (not just me) from time to time (not just in the summer).  Change is good.  Change is what keeps you moving forward, progressing, advancing, evolving.  That being said, change often involves letting go of something old  (read as “what isn’t working”) and embracing something new.  And it’s the letting go that human beings resist.  To which I respond with the following mantra:  “Letting go is not loss, it’s freedom.”

Bottom-line:  it’s time for me to find a new way to work.  It’s time to implement change, however small or big, with a view to working more efficiently, effectively and productively.  What do you need to change?

Connecting the Dots with Beginner’s Mind

Just back from a nine-day vacation — actually, 11 days if I include travel time   Truthfully, it was a much needed break from my regular schedule, my regular surroundings, my regular perspectives.  There was opportunity to connect with my brother and his family, relax on the beach, engage in my first “official” 5 km run, and experience a genuinely laid-back pace for a bit.  As a result, I’ve come back with some new insights and ideas.  I’ve chosen to view these as “dots” — the sort that you connect to create a picture.  The challenge for me is that I’m actually finding it difficult to connect these dots.  It’s like I’ve got all of the information, it just won’t come together to form anything that makes any sense to me.

In the midst of this frustrating quandry, I read a phrase this morning that I think may hold the key to my getting “unstuck” and connecting the dots:  “staying the course is NOT the same as clinging to a HOW.”  When I read these words, I could feel the needle on my personal “profoundness-guage” jump sky-high.  You see, sometimes it’s really easy to stay stuck on the prescribed plan, and confuse that with staying focused and committed to a goal.  What I’m realizing is that I can actually stay committed and focused on a goal AND change my plan for achieving that goal.  In other words sometimes staying the course actually requires me to change the course of action.  I think the trick for me is to be sure that I’ve given the plan a legitimate chance, and then change it if need be.

When it comes to connecting the dots in my various plans, my tendency is to fixate on how I think it’s supposed to look.  What I’m re-realizing is that I actually need to remind myself to not jump so far ahead — I need to approach the task with a beginner’s mind, filled with curiousity and expectancy, knowing that the dots could connect in a certain way AND they might not.  Staying the course requires me to stay present in each moment — stay with this dot, as it were — and move on to the next dot deliberately, seeing the picture as it reveals itself and being open to the idea that it might not be what I think it is.

Bottom-line:  it’s time to take a step back, and proceed with a child-like energy of excitement, curiousity and open-ness.  It’s time to get re-acquainted with my beginner’s mind and connect the dots afresh.  When I can do this, it’ll actually all make sense — I’m sure of it.

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