Life Balance Part 2
How Do I Create My Life to Feel More Balanced?
In the last issue of Women of Today, I addressed the topic of defining life balance. For those who didn’t get a chance to read it, the critical points were these:
- A balanced life looks different for different people
- Balance is a direction, it’s not a destination
- A “balanced life” does not mean a “perfect” or “stress-free” life
By way of recapping and bringing you up to speed, I invite you to take a few moments and get clear on what YOUR balanced life would look like. How would your life be different than what it currently is?
Having gained some clarity on what your balanced life would look like, it’s now time to shift this picture of your life into the reality of your life. Often people balk at this point; it’s one thing to imagine a life that feels more balanced, to talk about it and dream about it. It feels like a whole other ball game, however, to actually create it. Why? Because creating a new life for yourself means leaving the life you know behind. This may seem obvious, but beyond the simplicity of the statement is also the fear that it carries; change can feel scary. Let me assure you, however, that change doesn’t have to be scary, and that you absolutely can start living the life of your by following some simple steps.
Step One: Know what’s important to you. It amazes me how so many people struggle to articulate what they really value in life. Often, people are able to share the ideals that they were taught to value. My question, however, is what do YOU value? Your answer might be the same as what you were taught; and it might not. The key to figuring this out is to detach yourself from any fear of judgment that you might have. People are often afraid to share what they value, because they’re afraid that someone will mock them, belittle them, tell them they’re wrong. The fact, however, is that values are not morals. Rather, they are what’s important to you intrinsically. What has you feel totally jazzed and alive? These are the things you value, and the values held by one person may be totally contrary to another. Some examples of values might be honesty, wealth, connecting with others, solitude, or spontaneity, to name a few. So, grab a piece of paper and start listing the values that you hold dear.
Step Two: Recognize that you always have a choice. Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes imperative that you understand that you always have choices in your life. To take this a step further, there is a distinction between FEELING like you don’t have a choice, and the actual REALITY of not having a choice. You see, the former situation might happen a lot – you may feel the conflicting pull of other people’s values that leaves you feeling like you don’t have a choice. But the latter situation – the REALITY of not having a choice, does not exist. That’s right, you always have a choice. Your choices might be hard ones; but they’re still choices. It’s important to understand this, because once you recognize that you have the opportunity to make choices in every moment of every day, you can start to make the choices that align with what you value. It’s about being empowered enough to make your choices consciously, rather than simply moving through life in default mode.
Step Three: Find a new, empowering perspective. I often reframe this step as “separating facts from reality”. What people often don’t realize is that facts can be taken and put together to create different realities. Take the case of Jennifer and Wanda: both women have $500 in the bank, and $400 in monthly expenses. Jennifer looks at these facts and says, “Hmmm…only $100 left over; I guess I’ll skip the movie this month and just stay home and clean.” Wanda, on the other hand, says “Wow! $100 left over this month; I’m going out to join my friends for a fun girl’s night out!”. Do you see how they’re creating different realities from the same basic facts? I get that this is a fairly simplistic example; yet the core truth is profound. Each of us makes choices based on a certain perspective that we hold, which we call our reality. What’s your reality? How’s it serving you? How might you reframe it to be a more powerful, well-serving alternative?
By putting these three steps into practice on a regular basis, you will soon experience the liberating feeling of living life on your terms. And this is, ultimately, what a life of balance is all about. You will know what you want in your life, be able to choose those things moment to moment, and you will look at your life in a way that allows you to see the possibilities. So a balanced life really is within your reach if you truly want it. The question to ask is: how badly do you want it? Find the answer to this question and you’ll be well on your way towards experiencing the ever-elusive state of balance.
Life Balance Part 1
What Exactly Is “A Balanced Life”?
One of the biggest challenges that many of my clients bring to their coaching sessions revolves around achieving life balance. This is not surprising when you consider that we live in a world where there is so much going on, so many choices to make, and a myriad of demands on our time. Given the fast-paced nature of the world in which we live, how exactly does one achieve the ever-coveted state of “balance”?
The critical first step is to define what life balance actually is. As much as the phrase is a popular one, I’m willing to be that you aren’t able to clearly articulate its meaning. The reason for this is quite simple: balance looks different to each person. What looks like a balanced, manageable day for your best friend may look like complete chaos to you. So, it is essential that you get clear on what balance looks like for you. Ask yourself: what would be present in my life if things were more balanced? What would I be doing? How would I be feeling? Once you know the answers to these questions, then you’ve got a solid sense of what you’re aiming for. You’ve got a direction in which to head.
Which bring us to the second aspect of the definition. People often assume that “balance” is a state of being, a destination. The fact, however, is that it is not a destination but rather a direction. In every moment of every day you are presented with choices. The choices you make are either moving you in the direction of balance, or away from it. It behooves you to remember this because if you labour under the illusion that balance is a state of being then you can fail to recognize it when you actually have it. So, say it with me, and repeat it often: BALANCE IS A DIRECTION; IT’S NOT A DESTINATION.
The final piece of the definition is to remember that “balanced” does not equate to stress-free or perfect. Life, being what it is, will always have its ups and downs. When you are making choices that move you towards balance, however, the up-and-down moments don’t knock you off course; you simply move with them and take them in stride. Think about roller-coaster rides. There are some roller-coasters that send you to the place of complete nausea; you exit the ride and head for the nearest garbage can or washroom as quickly as possible. There are other roller-coasters, however, that leave you feeling absolutely exhilarated. There’s a thrill to the ride, even with its ups and downs. You know you can go back for more, and handle it just fine. In the same way, when your life choices are in line with what you want, and you’re moving towards balance more often than not, life’s ups and downs are just part of the journey.
Knowing how to define balance and recognizing what it actually means for you in your world is essential to being able to live a “balanced life”. Next time, we’ll explore what to do once you’re clear on what balance means for you. Until then, here’s an activity to do: create a collage that captures the essence of the life you’re creating. Make sure it speaks to who you are and how you want to be. Try to make it as full, rich and detailed as possible, covering all aspects of your life: personal, professional, relationships, hobbies, and even your physical environment. Then post this visual reminder of your balanced life in a prominent place, as a reminder of what you’re creating and living each day.. Happy collaging! Here’s to getting clear on how you want your life to be.
It is Almost Holiday Time: Can you Handle It?
The holidays are quickly approaching. Whether your celebration revolves around Christmas, Hannukah, Diwali or something else altogether, the time that is bookended by Halloween and New Year’s always seems to be filled with a hustle-and-bustle of activity. There are parties to plan for, gifts to purchase, cards to be mailed, baking and cooking to be undertaken – the to-do list seems to grow exponentially. Simultaneously, the feeling of overwhelm seems to swell.
So, how does one get through the holidays without feeling burnt-out by the end of it all? Believe it or not, there is a way. It’s called “playing a different game”. That’s right. It’s time to rewrite the holiday rules so that you can move through the festivities without losing your sense of perspective, your experience of joy, and the “happy” in “happy holidays”. To help you out, here are 5 tried-and-true steps to follow:
1. Ask yourself, what is it that you want to EXPERIENCE?
So often we focus on the trappings – the gifts, the food, the decorations – that we forget what we really want to feel. Maybe it’s “meaning”, or “memories”, or “fun”. Whatever it is, find the word that resonates for YOU.
2. Brainstorm ways to infuse the holidays with the particular quality that’s
important to you. For example, if you want your holidays to be about “memories”, plan activities to support this. Perhaps you provide a disposable camera and mini-scrapbook for everyone. Or maybe you come up with a theme for this year so that forever after, 2007 is known as the Christmas of _________. Get creative; after all, this is about rewriting the rules!
3. Lose the sense of guilt. “They’ll expect a big gift”, “But I have to spend a certain amount”, “They won’t like a homemade card”, are all examples of the external expectations which we take on internally. It’s time to let these go. Remember, if you want the holidays to provide a certain experience for you, then it’s up to you to set the parameters that will allow such an experience to be real.
4. Get comfortable with being different. This may be a challenging idea, but in many ways, it is the key. Stop trying to be like everyone else. Make the holidays unique and representative of you, so that you’re not trying to be the square peg fitting into a round hole.
5. Find a structure to help you remember the essence of what you’re going for. Perhaps you wear a treasured piece of jewelry as a reminder of the memories you want to create. Or maybe a pair of reindeer antlers becomes your token accessory as you strive to infuse the holidays with fun.
Bottom-line: identifying how you want the holidays to be is the first step to experiencing a truly happy holiday. Once you know what you want to experience, then you can choose the activities that will help you live that out. Trust me – the holidays aren’t meant to be a time of stress. My wish for you is that you feel able to wish everyone a “happy holiday” and mean it. Have fun rewriting your holiday rules. May your holiday experience be exactly what you’re looking for. Wishing you a joyful, meaningful, fun-filled holiday time – and yes, I absolutely mean it ? !
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